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Ner's Random Musings on a life of interesting insights

a world of interesting factoids about nothing and everything


October 13th, 2003

assahol, long awaited @ 09:59 pm

Current Mood: amused amused

I'm sitting here drinking some of this crazy tea that Lindsey gave me and its sparking my creativeness. It also helps that I'm not doing work. So to those eagerly awaiting the Assahol piece, enjoy it. hehehehehehehehehehe. Anyone want to figure out what's wrong with me? Maybe I should go into advertising?

Do you have those after party blues?
Are you one of those who has a great time partying, but the day after your fun night out drinking, you have a hangover?
Do your friends make fun of you because you’re weak, a cheap drunk?
If this is YOU, Look no further!! Assahol is here!!!!!!

New in 2003, the Ner imporium and Brewery is rolling out its new line of GoodTime brand assahol. Because we’re just rolling out this amazing new product, we haven’t had time to age the ass that’s in assahol, to make it have that oh so great taste you’ve come to expect from OTHER people’s assahol. Ner’s Assahol, the GoodTime brand, is guaranteed to taste as scrumptious as aged assahol and make you feel great all at the same time, or your money back?

You’ve not heard of assahol? Let’s let our President of Press Relations and C.E.O. NER, inventor and producer of Ner’s GoodTime Assahol tell you what assahol is and how it can benefit you.


“Well … (blowing into a mike is heard with feedback for effect) this thing on? Ah shit, assahol, yeah man, great stuff it is. Did you dudes know that assahol was brewed back when Captain Cook saled the seven seas? You see, those sailors were some pretty smelly dudes with little space to store their brew. No problem says Captain cook, we just take and dump some ass juice into some water and let it age and it’ll be grand. I know I know, you think that’s disgusting, fermented ass juice. Well, what the Cap’n found out was that drinking this ass juice “Oceania’s ambrosia” as he called it caused his sailing and navigational skills to improve by approximately 13.7%. He could, on an average voyage, have several gallons brewed by the time he crossed the Pacific. Then when him and the boys wanted to drink a bit and still be presentable for the indigenous folk later on, assahol was his beverage of choice. Hell, its my opinion that Fosters Beer paid him off so Assahol Cap'n style disappeared from the market after he became famous and Fosters became the beer of choice from down under. Ner’s GoodTime Assahol is awesome, we’ve improved on the Cap’n’s brew and added a bit of Ner, yeah that’s me folks, to it.”


Yes that’s right, Ner’s good time Assahol comes fresh from ner’s ass juices and methane emissions. And because ner’s a chemical engineer in training, he’s figured out just the right formula to give that extra kick that's not in those OTHER assahols on the market. Tired of paying too much for your assahol? Ner's GoodTime Brand Assahol is much much better, and cheaper, much cheaper. We guarantee that after one sip of assahol you’ll be either unconscious or buzzing. You’re head will be spinning like a top, and you’ll have more friends than you ever have had before because everyone will want to take just one sip of your assahol. You’ll be the life of the party, and your social skills will improve at least two fold

Yes that’s right, buy one bottle of Ner’s Goodtime Brand Assahol, and get one free. One 2 liter bottle of assahol will run you $1.99 plus $6.99 shipping and handling plus, you’ll get that second bottle of assahol for free. Give us a callat 1-866-assahol, that’s 1-866-277-2465 and one of our operators will be happy to take your order or tell you about the greatness of assahol

Kiss those hangovers goodbye. Start enjoying the unique taste and interesting sensation you’ll experience while drinking ner’s Goodtime Brand Assahol. Tell your friends! Ner’s Goodtime Brand Assahol is here!!

But wait, there’s more. Economic slowdowns and joblessness has only helped the Ner Imporium and Brewery. Our dedicated scientists are hard at work developing a myriad of different assahols to serve your dainty pallets. Coming soon, we’ll have Assahol stout, Assahol B.O., Assahol XTREME, and finally, Assahol Methane Enhanced. We’re even developing the Girly Brand Assahols which come in Lime, Orange, and Grape flavours for those who can’t handle or don’t understand the merit of tasing straight assahol but still want to feel its wonderful effects. We’re here for YOU, so don’t delay, call us today!

Disclaimer: Assahol works best with limited olfactory function. Nose plugs are recommended though not included. Ner’s Good time Assahol will not be responsible for death, brain damage, loss of consciousness during intimate situations, or anything negative at all. Ner’s GoodTime Brand Assahol and its subsidiary company Dr. Ner’s Blind Brain Surgery Incorporated are not responsible for social decline, but we take full credit for social advancement that might be in your future.


Grand isn't it? I love making crap up like this. Sometimes I wonder about myself.
 
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Comments

 
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From:hopeness
Date:October 13th, 2003 08:18 pm (UTC)
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Not sure whether to laugh, or to run away screaming.... people *will* buy anything these days...
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From:djner
Date:October 14th, 2003 04:10 am (UTC)
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I was run away, and run away fast.
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From:jumpingjuniper
Date:October 13th, 2003 10:48 pm (UTC)
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What about my cats assahol juices? Your just gonna run him out of business like that huh? *runs away and cries* He is a sugga daddy and now he cant sugga daddy anymore. Damn you!
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From:djner
Date:October 14th, 2003 04:10 am (UTC)
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We could look into creating new avenues of assahol production. We will talk.
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From:ruadh_innsean
Date:October 14th, 2003 06:46 am (UTC)
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A very recognisable comment, but I must make it all the same.
We're all now dumber for having read that. May God have mercy on your soul. LOL.
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From:djner
Date:October 14th, 2003 09:03 am (UTC)
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It made you dumber but you liked it, hehehehe.

Ner's Random Musings on a life of interesting insights

a world of interesting factoids about nothing and everything